what do you say?

i remember the last time I saw my grandfather alive. and my grandma. and my other grandfather- who, incidentally said goodbye by thanking me for all i'd done/tried to do for him. and my friend Billy. and my friend Paige. and even others who aren;t dead - all people who've moved on or disappeared in one way or another.

i just got off the phone with another one. a friend from NYC who I've spent more collective time on the phone with than probably anyone else. lots of hours. talked me through my first aids test. i shared the death of his father. in fact i can count on two hands the times we hung out in the past 5 years, but I couldn't dare begin to count the life episodes we did on the phone.

he's at rock bottom. lots of fully plausible reasons. he drinks to take the pain away. he's lost his house. he's very depressed, more than he's ever let on even. tomorrow he may go into a hospital for 28 days. or he might go to the AA meeting for help tonight. or he may sit, paralyzed, in the apartment until the landlady finally tells him he has to go. i just, right now, had that funny feeling again. the time you know it may well be the last time.

love

martin